How The “Other Woman” Helped Me Find Freedom and Happiness- Day 346: 365 Radical Self Love Project

Finding Freedom in the shadows

radical self love kelsey grantWe all have that side of ourselves we would rather keep hidden. Some call it a shadow, some call it an ego, some call it our darkness.

Whatever the name, we all have it. The elements of our personality with less than positive intentions. It is when we are living through our shadow we have a higher tendency to get triggered. Triggered by another person, circumstances in life and scenarios we are faced with.

Your shadow is one of the greatest access points to your highest potential if you allow this unfolding to take place. Embracing the lessons the shadow leads us towards, encourages the harnessing of energy and activation of our awareness for the highest good and potential for all involved.

What you can’t be with about another, leads you towards a deeper awareness of yourself.

Everything we can’t be with, everything we reject, resist or flat out dislike about someone or something outside of ourselves will always lead us to a greater understanding to what is going on inside ourselves on a deep deep level.

We can only identify that which exists already inside us and we are only activated or triggered by anything outside of ourselves, when an aspect of our own experience we have rejected and can’t be with- is still lying dormant in our unconscious.

How the “other woman” was key for my self awareness and deep deep healing.

There are a lot of things I could say about the woman with whom my partner broke our relationship agreement with and the only thing worth sharing is the truth.

It was really easy for me to hate her. It was really easy for me to be angry at her. It was really easy for me to make her wrong for everything. It was really easy for me to find fault in everything she did and everything she continues to do.

What wasn’t easy was coming to terms with one of my greatest spiritual lessons: Everything I despised about her, were actually elements of myself I had left unhealed and unattended. What a massive wake up call.

radical self love kelsey grant

My healing massively expanded when I started to use her reflection or more accurately my perception of her, for my own self discovery. Everything I couldn’t stand about her I took very close notice of- because it was actually mirroring what I couldn’t be with about myself.

I had to come to terms with the fact I had done the very same things I perceived she did- earlier in my life. I had repeated these disempowered behaviours multiple times during my life and I was still harbouring resentment and regret about it. I was withholding forgiveness towards myself.

Forgiving My Past

In my early 20’s I pursued men who were unavailable, men who were dating other people and I made it my game to manipulate them out of their relationships. In some shadowy twisted way when I “won” them away from their partners I made it mean I was enough, I was obviously a real catch and my bruised self worth was validated.

I would maintain friendships with men in relationships that were a little too close to respect the terms of their relationship agreements. I played the really good friend who was always there to listen to the relationship problems then eagerly offered my “advice”- advice to benefit me and my ego’s desires. I gave very little if any consideration to the woman in the relationship with the person I was scoping. She didn’t matter to me. I turned my back on my sisters.

I manipulated.
I meddled.
I flirted.
I seduced.
I made my ‘needs’ more important than the other hearts involved.
I broke trust.
I was dishonest.
My only intention was to get what I wanted at whatever cost.

Then I woke up.

Something in me shifted and I wanted more from myself and for my life. I wanted to learn what it meant to live in integrity. I wanted to learn what it meant to live on purpose. I knew enough back then that I would have to stop behaving this way to have the relationship and life I was deeply desiring. What I didn’t have access to was the essential healing ingredients- compassion and forgiveness.

Moving to Vancouver began a 5 year journey of understanding and developing my capacity for compassion and forgiveness. I practiced living on purpose and creating relationships in alignment and in integrity. When my partner and the other woman did what they did, it activated all of the unhealed wounds of my past. The shadow of my past behaviour was still unforgiven and reeking havoc on my present capacity for happiness. I was still living with the heavy heavy  impact of my past unconscious life.

Usher in the compassion

radical self love kelsey grantIt was through her, I was given an opportunity to identify all the suppressed junk I had been holding onto. The mirror of her behaviour also enabled me to wrap my past actions in compassion and love and set myself free- something I had not yet been capable of doing.

During this year long process of healing I’ve had to remind myself time and time again nothing I perceive about someone else is ever about them- it’s about me.

 

Through her, my awareness was directed to all the shadow wounds deeply buried within my unconscious mind. This situation happened at the exact point in time that I was capable of handling it. All of my “stuff” came up for review when it did was because I was in a place in my development and soul journey where I had the awareness and tools to move forward effectively.

This year I proved to myself how capable and willing I am at embracing my wounds, healing my perceptions and setting myself free.

We all fuck up. We all make mistakes. We all have done things we wish we could have done differently. If we hold onto them and make ourselves wrong until we leave this planet, we rob ourselves of the genuine happiness and possibility our lives hold.

When we learn from our behaviour and make conscious changes to become more respectful, more aware, more compassionate, more kind, more on purpose, more aligned with integrity and more loving- we have learned what that experience was meant to teach us. Then we can set it free. We keep the wisdom of the lesson and release the pain.

Making yourself wrong and others wrong until the end of time does no one any good. In fact it robs the world of your brilliance. This brilliance explodes into the world in the vehicle called your vibrance. Your vibrance is enhanced when you are happy, when you have released the weight of your “mistakes” and forgiven people who made their own mistakes. When you are living on purpose your brilliance inspires the world.

radical self love kelsey grantIt hasn’t been easy doing this work and forgiving all that has happened but it sure as heck has been worth it. Without her and all that happened I wouldn’t have developed Radical Self Love, I wouldn’t have this beautiful community to share with, I wouldn’t have uncovered and activated my purpose and potential. Without her I wouldn’t have done the inner work required to be in alignment with the relationship I desired so deeply and without her I wouldn’t have the relationship I do.

After I released myself from my past what I can see is I have a lot to thank her for. My life is beautiful, amazing, aligned and abundant because of her and all that happened. To be here in this head and heart space, a year later is a pretty incredible feat. It is through this experience I now have the honour to work with women in healing their blocks to love and finding their authentic relationship alignment and that my friends freaking lights me up!!!

You and only you have the capacity to set yourself free. You deserve happiness. You are worthy of success. You are so deserving of love, freedom and happiness. Be brave and do the most challenging and rewarding work of all: looking within.

Look, see, understand and love it all.

Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!

Kels

If you are ready to learn to love you check out our RSL 30 Day Program to get started on building the best relationship of your life- the one with YOU!

What a Batch of Disaster Pancakes Taught Me About Having a Sense of Humor Day 71: 365 Radical Self Love Project

20120707-093652Well this morning things didn’t exactly go as planned.

I had my heart set on making pancakes this morning and so my man and I had a nice leisurely wakeup, made some coffee and I set up to make an epic batch of pancakes.

I’ve been making pancakes since I was a child and I’d like to think of myself as some what of a pancake pro. This morning something went terribly offside. They were awful. Today it would seem that my pancake skills went on a temporary vacation.

Now upon reflecting on the facts of the situation there isn’t much that is truly upsetting. However my ego would beg to differ. One of the main ways my ego acquires the feelings of validation and acceptance is through the ever awesome compliments on my cooking.

photoMy man was so loving and kind gently encouraging me with things like “oh they are just falling apart- I’m sure they will still taste amazing” “everything you make is so good don’t worry” and even when he was trying to eat them he was still managing to be kind.

Then as we were both struggling to finish our plates we looked at each other with giggles in our eyes and spoke the truth- they were gross as we burst out laughing.

What this mornings events taught me:

1. Chill out on the self imposed expectations. Sometimes life goes a little offside and while we can always course correct (in this case make a new breakfast) imposing really heavy expectations on myself and of upholding a false sense of perfection is exhausting.

2. Laugh at the hilariousness of a mistake– I could wonder all day what went wrong with the making of the pancakes, however that is a serious misuse of my day and energy. AlI know is they turned out the way they turned out and it was an opportunity for the both of us to have a good laugh and keep that experience in our memory bank for future giggles.

3. When offside things happen we can turn them into whatever we desire through our perception. Ya at first I was pissed at myself for making a terrible breakfast, annoyed with myself for being pissed at my self, upset because my 100% perfection streak had been broken- but then I snapped out of it. I saw this was an opportunity for presence going forward. I’m usually really present when I cook, this morning I really wasn’t paying attention. It made me really wonder how not being present really does influence attracting things I don’t really want. So the lesson is simple shift the perception I was viewing the situation from, learn a valuable lesson and trust the next batch I make will be perfect just the way they are 😉

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Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!!

Kels