3 Lessons In Love, 1 Big Lesson In Life- Day 120: 365 Radical Self Love Project

Relationships are fascinating things.

Every day I am alive I am ever in awe of the intricacies of human dynamics and the profound nature of intimate relationships.

radical self love kelsey grant

The 3 most prevalent lessons on my mind lately when it comes to love, intimacy and romantic relationships:

  • Radical Self Love Kelsey GrantNothing goes away before it teaches us what we need to know. Meaning the same cycles of behaviour will continue to arise and manifest until we “wake up” to the deeper lesson our soul is trying to get us to learn. Each time we repeat a lesson it gets more intense in the hopes we will pay attention, understand our dysfunctional behaviour, take steps to transform and move forward in a spirit of love.

 

  • radical self love kelsey grantRelationships do not cause pain or unhappiness- they simply bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already inside of us. For this reason alone relationships to me are incredibly sacred. It is in these intimate dynamics with other people that we come face to face with ourselves and what we have been deeply hiding. Most relationships don’t ever get to this state of awareness. The trap of the ego keeps both people blaming and pointing fingers at one another- which is a fabulous diversion tactic to keep us from looking within, which is where all the juiciness and answers lie. Our partners are our mirrors giving us a front row seat to that which we do not want to look at about ourselves and that which we love about ourselves. The trouble is we are quick to “own” the good stuff and quick to project the not so good stuff. When we come to know that our relationships are set in place to bring out our shadows, for the sole purpose of transforming the lower energies, patterns and beliefs to those aligned with love, it takes massive pressure and weight off the relationship. This allows for the possibility of both people operating from a space of curiosity, self awareness and gentleness.

 

  • radical self love kelsey grantThere is always a reason people come into our lives. Either you need them to change your life or you are the one to change theirs. Not all the relationships we have are meant to be “THE ONE”. Many of these are “prep” relationships that are there to stretch us, grow us and strengthen us- usually through shitty circumstances. We may not always understand “why” certain people or situations are called into our lives or why they last for as long or as short as they do. What there is to know is that they are always there to prepare us for the positive, open, vulnerable partnerships we are all capable of. This by no means is exclusive to 1-1 relationship dynamics. This absolutely applies for every single type of relationship dynamic possible. Especially if we are entering into the “open relationship” territory our intuition, communication, openness, vulnerability and honesty have to be at an all time high, just the same as in a monogamous relationship, if we intend to have a healthy, fulfilling partnership that is an extension of love.

The main life lesson:

There is always something to be learned from every single encounter, relationship or intimate experience. I have come to realize in the past few days through my relationship that the things I am most afraid of happening to me (being abandoned) are merely a projection of my own patterns of avoidance and running away.

In my past relationships I was always the one who bailed, who refused to let my guard down, be vulnerable. The one who ran away. Literally. I was in my relationships but not present. I would go through the motions of what I thought it meant to be in a relationship all the while never truly opening, surrendering or being open to the possibility of love.

The fascinating part

radical self love kelsey grantAll of those relationships, situations and circumstances had to happen, just the way they did, in all their pain, in all their joy, in order to bring me to this exact moment of extreme awareness. It is inside of this “knowing” that I get to reclaim my power, heal and see the bigger reason and lesson behind everything that I have ever been through in my entire life. I now am presented with the opportunity to move forward in the space of this new awareness. This means I will be called to act in ways I never have before, cultivate new belief and emotional patterns and open to the incredibly possibility of deep, fulfilling partnership.

Sounds deliciously beautiful to me so here I go- leaping into this beautiful unknown 😉

Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!

Kels

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Looking for Love? How Keeping the Peace and Being an Example of Love Brings Love Forth- Day 99: 365 Radical Self Love Project

How others treat you is their karma- how you react is yours.

kelsey grant radical self loveIn life we are constantly being tested. Moment to moment we a presented with situations, people and circumstances which will either trigger us into familiar destructive ways of being or call us to be greater versions of who we know ourselves to be.

Even though this may be hard for our ego’s to understand, we actually have ZERO control over anyone else. Each human being is the master of their own domain. The quest of human interaction is to learn how to harmoniously interact and accept each persons individual paradigm of the world while maintaining your personal boundaries and self respect. This is the dance of human interaction. We can always find ways in which to respect others and respect ourselves at the same time.

Kelsey grant radical self loveThe times of heated emotion are our opportunities to do something different and pass the test from the universe. For example, lets say you are wanting to attract an incredible loving partner. Once the declaration of intent is set the Universe conspires with you to bring it forth. To prepare for such a intensely transparent and intimate connection, our ways of being have to be spiffed up (If there was no fine tuning to be had within you your intention would already be manifest since you would be in vibrational alignment with it). The simple fact of not having that which you seek simply says there is some inner work to be done to get into alignment. Part of this inner work is passing multiple seemingly unrelated “tests” from the Universe. These tests fine tune our character, raise our awareness, strengthen our areas of growth and call us to learn how to be better in every way, shape and form. So if we say we want love and amazing relationships but then loose our shit on a total stranger we miss the opportunity to demonstrate we are in alignment with that which we seek. What if I told you the interaction with the stranger has everything to do with attracting the love you want? Consider this quote: “by each crime and every kindness, we birth our future”. Everything is interconnected.

Keep the peace, stay grounded in love and love will come to you

Every time we are reactive, retaliate, seek revenge and are abrasive towards others, it doesn’t matter who these people are, we cast ripples out into the universe and place our order for more experiences of that nature. When we are kind and loving to others we cast ripples for more of those experiences in our future. If we truly want the dreams, love and relationships we desire we have to learn to be love even in the face of no agreement- meaning when people are being jerks you are able to put your ego aside and respond from a place of calmness and love.

Dear drama i'm breaking up with youRemember how people treat you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how they really feel about themselves, so don’t take their drama personally. Give them the gift and comfort of a loving and kind response. If they choose to shift awesome, if they don’t you have at least put forward the energy of positivity and love which is of great service to our human family. These seemingly small gestures of love, peace and kindness are your key to attracting the love and relationships you want, so the next time you are tempted to react in the same familiar fashion take a step back, take a deep breath and ask yourself: “What would love do”. Then simply act on the guidance you receive.

*****Disclaimer*****

Your ego is not going to like this one bit. It will want to scream, fight, be right, make others wrong, justify, manipulate and judge judge, judge. Be aware it will attempt to sideswipe your progress with it’s trickery. As the saying goes- knowledge is power- now that you know and your awareness has been heightened to the ego’s ways you can consciously choose to behave and respond differently.

Remember to react is to allow the ego to run the show and to respond is activating the heart and letting love lead. Which are you going to choose?

Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!

Kels

Relationship Success Part 2: Seeing Your Greatness- Day 92: 365 Radical Self Love Project

When hopping off the “special” train where do we stop next?

A few days ago we dove into the impact of seeking external validation in our romantic relationships. There is an additional aspect of the ego’s desire to run the show in our romantic relationships I like to call “THE PEDESTAL”. Part of seeking external validation is rooted in an unconscious placement of others, in this case our romantic partners on imaginary higher levels. This is a learned behaviour and done enough times becomes an unconscious addiction and behavioural pattern. When we seek admiration or validation from others in any way shape or form we have metaphorically put that person on a pedestal.

Radical Self Love Kelsey Grant

Giving up the addiction to the Pedestal.

The first step of making this radical shift will be giving up putting people, situations, organizations and circumstances on a pedestal. This is one of the most challenging things to shift when it comes to love relationships. When we first meet someone we are so present to the beauty and incredibleness of their being. Often then we place this person on a pedestal and unconsciously tell ourselves we aren’t as good. Which the ego could make mean we aren’t worthy of their love because we are different, lower-not as good. This belief, which we reinforce through the use of the pedestal, becomes the root of many many relationship breakdowns.

Can disfunction serve a positive function?

radical self love kelsey grantYes, yes it can. In fact if we are open enough we will see that every disfunction (ego/fear based action or thought) serves to teach us incredible lessons and leads us to a deeper more profound experience of ourselves, of each other and the world around us. Here is what I’ve learned:

When we seek love outside of ourselves it is a clear indication we have temporarily forgotten our greatness. We have bought into the belief and illusion of fear, ego and separation. What is funny is even in our perceived separation we are still united since every single human being experiences these moments of seeking external approval and validation some where, some how, along their path. In my experience it is a necessary part of the journey.

Every time I have relentlessly pursued this type of validation through my partners it has inevitably failed. No human can live up to the unrealistic and unreal projections of our own minds (which we often keep secret). Human beings are flawed and incredibly beautiful inside those flaws. When we place people on a pedestal we say to ourselves they are perfect in every way shape or form and make no room for their humanness. When their flaws or humanness begins to surface it causes great challenge as it illustrates the inaccuracy of the ego’s perception of perfection in another. Ultimately this leads to more ego-ic eruptions and in many cases in my experience a complete break of the relationship.

Radical Self Love Kelsey Grant

Through repeated experience of external validation seeking, we are taught that no amount of external approval or validation will ever leave us feeling truly full, fulfilled and in bliss. Every person experiences this differently. Some of us seek approval in love, some in our body image, some in our career, some in our spirituality, some in our families. The possibilities are abundant. The key here is to understand we all do it. There is nothing wrong with you for experiencing the need or desire to have an outside source confirm your worth however, it does illustrate an opportunity for growth and delicious expansion.

Understand why it doesn’t work

Radical Self Love Kelsey GrantThe reason why external validation isn’t a long term solution is because often it is incongruent and in conflict with the internal dominant beliefs we hold about ourselves, our worth and our value.  Thus when someone says “I love you, you are an incredible partner and the most amazing person I have ever been with” we are actually incapable of ‘hearing’ it. The dominant voice inside will diminish, discredit or invalidate the statement simply because it isn’t congruent with your internal reality. Thus we push away any evidence about how lovely we actually are, in order to continue running the functions of the ego. We correct this pattern by learning to love ourselves more, little by little.

How to use this to your advantage in life and in relationships

At times understanding how others see, view and perceive us is actually healthy. We can learn a lot about who we actually are and how we show up if we allow this function to serve us. Meaning we must get really good at accepting peoples feedback. The only way external validation can be a contribution to our experience is when we do the inner work to calibrate our belief about our worth and value to the positive feedback others give us. In simple terms we must learn to accept ourselves, train ourselves to hear what others are actually saying (not our ego filtered perception) and how to allow and receive. Our self esteem must be elevated.

Set Yourself Free

radical self love kelsey grantWhat you see in others exists in you too. This is the key to freedom from this disempowering trap of the ego-pedestal. The people we put on pedestals are just the same as us inside. A magical fun fact: If you are able to identify aspects you admire and value in other people, you have to come to terms with the fact that those exact same qualities and aspects reside within you. If they didn’t you wouldn’t be able to identify them in another.

To understand all we see and observe in others is a direct mirror of our inner worlds and an access point to understanding who we are, is incredibly empowering. This means everything you love and admire about someone else is actually a reflection of the things you love about yourself but have suppressed or refused to recognize. The divide between you and them dissolves when you come to the awareness that everything you see in them is in you too. This becomes a huge access point to learning and honouring your worth and value.

You know that refection I invited you to do the other day? The one where you took a look at in what ways you make others special aka put them on a pedestal? Now take a look at all the qualities that you determined qualified them in the special zone. Guess what lovers?  You now get to recognize and own that all of the  qualities you admire about them all reside within you too. Over the next few days spend some time in reflection with yourself. Ponder and seek to find where these qualities exist within and when you find them allow them to stay. Doing so is an exercise in building your self esteem, self worth and self love!

Happy Discovery!

Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!

Kels

Successful Relationships: Finding Love Within (Part 1)-Day 90: 365 Radical Self Love Project

Why do humans seek external validation when it comes to love?

Kelsey Grant Radical Self LoveThis pattern stems from an unconscious belief in separation. Since coming into this world humans are bombarded with messages of separation. There are many levels and ways in which this appears. We see it in celebrity culture, the structures of wealth, division of work, religion, class and even race. Passive or unconscious agreement with this belief lies at the source of the development of a dysfunctional collective consciousness within human beings.

It boils down to the simple perspective that there is a “right” way and a “wrong” way, and certain people, places, things are “better” or “worse” than others. Our entire global culture is based on this system of judging and categorizing people, situations and circumstances. To judge is to cut off the life force (love energy) that connects us all. The illusion of separation keeps the truth of our being-ness away from our conscious awareness. It is in this space of separation where we become easily changeable and malleable. If we are always seeking approval or validation there is a high probability we will “buy” into the disempowering and dysfunctional systems of our culture in order that we will be recognized as special and important. To do so gives up our power as conscious creators of our lives.

But…I’m special…I’m different.

Kelsey Grant Radical Self LoveThe belief that you are “special” in the sense that you are “different” aka better or worse than anyone or anything else is one of the biggest feeders and breeders of the ego. The ego thrives on separation by creating stories and dialogue about others which are always based in fear. One of the major function’s of the ego is to keep you in the dark about your true potential, your power and your ability to live fully lit up and blissed out. Thinking we are special or different than others in this sense creates separation. When we do this we are saying we are better and the other person is worse. No good can come from behaving this way. All it does is activate deeper and more nasty functions of the ego. The human ego is a multifaceted function and defining yourself as “special” aka better, is a major access point the ego uses to gain “control” over your experience.

Here is what I have come to know. Every single human is capable of greatness, holds great value and worth in this world. Whether people choose to explore their greatness is entirely up to them. This is our free will. We will either be unconsciously controlled by outside conditions or we will take conscious control of our lives and direct the flow of our human experience.

Take your Power back.

The quickest way to give up your power is by placing it in the hands of someone or something else. Humans are emotional creatures and everyone has this inner dynamic of light and dark going on inside. There for to rely on someone or something else outside of you ensures you will be repeatedly disappointed simply because human beings are not consistent. We are fluid, ever changing and greatly driven by our fickle emotions. The only one who you can rely on to be consistent is you. You have the capability to consistently show up for life and show up in a loving way towards yourself.

How does this apply to love?

Radical Self Love Kelsey GrantWell my dears how we do anything is how we do everything. If we look for validation in other areas of our lives we are going to look for that within our relationships. There are many layers of the ego’s function and the associated behavioural patterns. One major layers is this: To always be seeking external validation from our partners puts extreme pressure on the other person as they are now related to as our saviour- someone who will save us from the perceived lack in our lives. While this imbalance can be upheld for a while ultimately it leads to the breakdown and breakup of a relationship.

Self love is the foundation of all successful relationships. There is no one else in this world who can fill your void of self love. You are the only person who can fill your self love tank. To experience the bliss of healthy partnerships two whole, complete full beings must show up. If we rely on the other person to fill us up it is only a temporary fix to the deeper issue- we have to learn to love ourselves first before we are truly capable of receiving the love of another.

The first access point to shifting this pattern is to begin to notice where in our lives we make others “special” and which areas of life we make ourselves “special”. Doing so will begin to crack open shell of the ego and activate the authentic power of our hearts. For the next few days take notice of where you make yourself better or worse to something or someone outside of yourself. Doing this reflection will come in handy for part 2 😉

Stay tuned for the second part of this article coming at ya on Saturday!!! (We have our first Feature Friday tomorrow).

Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!

Kels

The Day I Broke Up With My Ego Day 83: 365 Radical Self Love Project

The best breakup I’ve ever had happened this morning…

My partner asked me about my plan for the day and how all the content work was coming along for the website. A pretty standard question and totally reasonable. What was really interesting was what I observed happening inside of myself when he asked me his question. The automatic reaction was a familiar sense of pressure, guilt and defensiveness.

Ahhhhh the ego-ic erruptions 😉

Kelsey Radical Self LoveToday was the day I broke up with my ego and placed more energy on generating a breakthrough and stepping into a new territory. Unlike my familiar pattern which would have been to take it really personally, interpret his words as an attack or judgement that I wasn’t doing enough, I stopped myself. Simple as that. I heard the internal judgement, I felt the grossness of putting pressure on myself and the icky feeling of making myself wrong and I became consciously aware of the trickery of my ego and I let it go.

Awareness was the first step. It was like I was watching myself have these thoughts and observing myself experiencing these feelings all while still being in the drivers seat. I’ve been in this situation enough to know now these thoughts and feelings are warning signs my ego is about to attempt a take over. When I experienced the warning signs today instead of resisting and battling them I took a deep breath and relaxed into the present moment.

The present moment is always beautiful, it is always in a state of divine flow and connection. I allowed my deep breathing to reconnect me to the beauty of the present moment.

I also used all the tools I have to reframe the context of the situation. I reminded myself it was only a question asked from a space of curiosity, happiness and encouragement. This reframe made me feel really good. Feeling really good allowed me to relax even more and begin to enjoy the experience.

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Inspirational quote: we become who we believe we are

I was able to see that it was only my internal judgements about myself I was being faced with. For these judgements and harsh self talk I let myself off the hook. I took my power back and actively told myself the truth- that I am calm, kind and loving and anything outside of that experience is there to distract me from achieving my goals and beaming more goodness into the world. In other words- I broke up with my ego.

Within moments the ego-ic erruption was diffused and I could get back to rocking out my day and being in harmony with the world around me. From there I was able to really show up for my coaching session this afternoon and leave a really positive impact.

Just to be clear I know this isn’t the last time my ego will surface, however this experience today has set my personal standards a lot higher. Meaning the calibre of thoughts, feelings and emotions I will allow myself to experience regularly will be of the high vibin constructive variety. I get I may have to break up with my ego every day and if that’s what it takes to be happy, positive and leave this world a better place, then that is what I’m prepared to do!!!

Osho quote

Radical Self Love to the MAX!!!

Kels

What Hyper Criticalness Taught Me About Body Image And Radical Self Love Day 57: 365 RSL Project

So last night I had a full on meltdown.

Yup it happened. Within a couple hours of me posting the blog and admitting that when I am on the verge of something big my ego usually pulls out all the stops to keep me operating in the usual familiar ‘safe’ manor, I had an emotional breakdown.

Well it would appear I am on the verge of a breakthrough with my body image cause the ego has been rallying up quite a lil shit storm lately.

I_love_my_bodyAs I mentioned a few weeks ago my relationship to my body has always fluctuated. I have observed a new pattern inside of my body image relationship. I compare. I’ve caught my ego in a mess of comparison lately and behaving this way has completely distorted my perception of myself and my body.

 

The wonderful part of the Radical Self Love journey is that my awareness is attuned to observe these patterns of behaviour and bring them up for transformation.

I logically and rationally know that comparison is the thief of joy and I am pretty good a noting when I am comparing in almost all areas of my life. When I do notice it I generally catch it, reframe it and let it go. The one area that still trips me up, in all honesty, is body image.

Inside of my breakdown last night one thing became very clear. The physical actions I take (exercise and eating healthy) really make minimal difference if my internal dialogue is abrasive and down right mean. Meaning the physical state of my body is a manifestation of the internal state of my mind and thoughts about myself. Everything is a mirror.

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One of my strong suits is my attention to detail and the value I place on high standards and high quality. While this serves me well in most areas there is a flip side to it. When I use attention to detail to place unreasonable expectations on myself and become incredible critical about my appearance.

When my partner and I dove into this conversation last night we were able to get to the root of my body image issue which is that I’m hyper critical of myself. I’m almost constantly comparing my body to my perception of other women and placing completely absurd expectations on how my body is supposed to look all the time. I am really hard on myself for the way I look compared to the way I think I should look and most importantly I do not speak in a kind and loving way towards myself when I get caught in the trap of the ego and comparison.

935850_600609979962295_1137674081_nThe reason I am sharing this with you all today is simple. When things are out in the open I can no longer ‘get away’ with running these patterns of behaviour and self sabotage. I love how my body feels when my thoughts and emotions are in harmony with feeling good, being appreciative and loving towards the way I look. Any time I am able to do that something shifts in the physiology of my body. My eyes are brighter, my skin glows, my body looks and feels more toned. There is an energy I emit when I am in alignment with my true essence and practicing a positive relationship with my body and the image I hold about myself.

Today I got to practice this moment to moment, one step at a time. I gave my word to myself this morning to see the beauty in my body and to do things that were aligned with maintaining the positive self perception. How did my day go? Pretty well.

First to shift my energy in a big time way I focused on something greater than myself, being of service. To do this I rocked a clearing meditation and then invested in a 3 hr Radical Self Love coaching session with a client. Our session took us into a full day adventure of eating clean, hot yoga, green smoothies, green juice and lots and lots of love. I ended the day with an amazing follow up conversation with my partner, who held the space of compassion, understanding and unconditional love.

It’s a start and tomorrow when I wake up I am going to choose to be loving towards my self and my body. I will continue to wake up day after day and make this conscious choice and commitment until the new perception totally sinks in. However long it takes, I’m willing to do it. After all, I am worth it 😉

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Radical Self Love to the MAX!!

Kels